I've done lots of things in my 58 years that I'm ashamed of. In some cases it's because what I did was wrong, and by wrong I mean there was the potential, or even the fact of, someone else being hurt. Then there's stuff I've done that other people think is wrong that I carry some shame over, even though I don't believe the opinion of others should trigger it.
Some of these things I will never tell anyone about, just because it would hurt too much, and because it wouldn't add any value. Then there are other things that I have already shared with someone, and would do so again, if I think there may be value in doing so for myself, or others.
Then there's the ultimate shame. A shame so powerful, so hurtful, and so unfair to a trusting friend, that the only way to make it right is to confess it. I say a friend, and yet within the context of my actions, the friend was more of a dependant. She was powerless to defend against my stupidity. So no matter how bad it hurts, and how wrong it was in my eyes or those of others, or whether the telling will, or will not, add value to myself or others, it needs to be confessed!
Let me start by expressing how sorry I am. I've learned that the only value in guilt or shame is when that guilt prevents you from repeating the same mistake. That's one of the reasons I need to tell you about this. So that you can hold me accountable in the future. It's why I write a public blog, so that I am open to scrutiny not just about my words, but about my actions.
Man this is hard!
Maybe I can ease into it by telling you that I have at least made it up to my friend. I think she has accepted my apologies, even though she hasn't said as much. As a matter of fact, I actually got the silent treatment. But I can tell you that just by admitting my guilt to her I felt quite a bit better. I guess following it up with my more public apology is my form of penance. As much as the catholics got it all messed up, I do believe that there is some value in an act of penance. At least when the act is of ones own volition. Otherwise it's punishment, not penance!
Okay, So here goes.
It happened just this past fall, probably sometime in October. I don't have any excuses but if you would at least accept some extenuating circumstances, I wish to tell you that I was a bit despondent about my failed triathlon season. I thought I was handling it pretty well, but my actions on this particular day were indicative of some pretty deep rooted anguish. Like I said, not an excuse, but somehow I need to hold on to something to explain behaviour that I always have, and still do, consider beneath myself. Reprehensible!
Does it seem like I'm stalling?
Sorry!
It's because I know that once I tell you this, you will never be able to think of me the same way again. Perhaps in time you will not judge me too harshly, and will be able to accept it as part of my past, but not who I am. But I also know that I can not completely avoid the reality that I will always be associated with this one selfish, unclean act.
Such is life. Here you have it.
One day last October........
I put my bike away.......
DIRTY!!!
Bless me father for I have sinned!!!
Phew what a relief!
And she's all good again now. I spent probably 7-8 hours over two days making things right. It was much dirtier than I thought, and I believe that hanging in the very dry air of the furnace room just baked the grease and grime right in. It was a monster job and I was truly disgusted with myself for letting it happen. Never again! I promise sweetheart!!
And everything else is good as well. I had another very good hill session today, and am getting very optimistic about the plan. I knew I would be a wee bit tired today, but it was just the right amount of tired. Easy day again tomorrow believe it or not, and then long ride again saturday. The weather is looking up for the weekend.....hopefully
As to my calf muscle I was pleasantly surprised. It was there the whole time, but it never seized up. I need to be religious now in taking care of it. As soon as I post this I'm gonna go apply the home treatments for the day.
run hills, 13 kms
....I just loved this one...
"Shame is the feeling you have when you agree with the woman who loves you that you are the man she thinks you are."---Carl Sandburg
...and a little more serious but such wisdom ...
"What makes the pain we feel from shame and jealousy so cutting is that vanity can give us no assistance in bearing them."---Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Love
Peter
Some of these things I will never tell anyone about, just because it would hurt too much, and because it wouldn't add any value. Then there are other things that I have already shared with someone, and would do so again, if I think there may be value in doing so for myself, or others.
Then there's the ultimate shame. A shame so powerful, so hurtful, and so unfair to a trusting friend, that the only way to make it right is to confess it. I say a friend, and yet within the context of my actions, the friend was more of a dependant. She was powerless to defend against my stupidity. So no matter how bad it hurts, and how wrong it was in my eyes or those of others, or whether the telling will, or will not, add value to myself or others, it needs to be confessed!
Let me start by expressing how sorry I am. I've learned that the only value in guilt or shame is when that guilt prevents you from repeating the same mistake. That's one of the reasons I need to tell you about this. So that you can hold me accountable in the future. It's why I write a public blog, so that I am open to scrutiny not just about my words, but about my actions.
Man this is hard!
Maybe I can ease into it by telling you that I have at least made it up to my friend. I think she has accepted my apologies, even though she hasn't said as much. As a matter of fact, I actually got the silent treatment. But I can tell you that just by admitting my guilt to her I felt quite a bit better. I guess following it up with my more public apology is my form of penance. As much as the catholics got it all messed up, I do believe that there is some value in an act of penance. At least when the act is of ones own volition. Otherwise it's punishment, not penance!
Okay, So here goes.
It happened just this past fall, probably sometime in October. I don't have any excuses but if you would at least accept some extenuating circumstances, I wish to tell you that I was a bit despondent about my failed triathlon season. I thought I was handling it pretty well, but my actions on this particular day were indicative of some pretty deep rooted anguish. Like I said, not an excuse, but somehow I need to hold on to something to explain behaviour that I always have, and still do, consider beneath myself. Reprehensible!
Does it seem like I'm stalling?
Sorry!
It's because I know that once I tell you this, you will never be able to think of me the same way again. Perhaps in time you will not judge me too harshly, and will be able to accept it as part of my past, but not who I am. But I also know that I can not completely avoid the reality that I will always be associated with this one selfish, unclean act.
Such is life. Here you have it.
One day last October........
I put my bike away.......
DIRTY!!!
Bless me father for I have sinned!!!
Phew what a relief!
And she's all good again now. I spent probably 7-8 hours over two days making things right. It was much dirtier than I thought, and I believe that hanging in the very dry air of the furnace room just baked the grease and grime right in. It was a monster job and I was truly disgusted with myself for letting it happen. Never again! I promise sweetheart!!
And everything else is good as well. I had another very good hill session today, and am getting very optimistic about the plan. I knew I would be a wee bit tired today, but it was just the right amount of tired. Easy day again tomorrow believe it or not, and then long ride again saturday. The weather is looking up for the weekend.....hopefully
As to my calf muscle I was pleasantly surprised. It was there the whole time, but it never seized up. I need to be religious now in taking care of it. As soon as I post this I'm gonna go apply the home treatments for the day.
run hills, 13 kms
....I just loved this one...
"Shame is the feeling you have when you agree with the woman who loves you that you are the man she thinks you are."---Carl Sandburg
...and a little more serious but such wisdom ...
"What makes the pain we feel from shame and jealousy so cutting is that vanity can give us no assistance in bearing them."---Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Love
Peter
I love the post Bro. Well done!
ReplyDeleteLove happy odd john
Terrific post, my friend! Makes we want to confess to something myself. But I don't have such a close friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad the training plan is working. Keep treating that calf muscle!!
Love, gail