First, as to the nights. It frustrates me to no end that I continue to have very vivid dreams about my former work life. When I say vivid, I can still remember some of them days afterwards. They involve individuals from every element of my years with Magna; people I hired, people I fired, people I liked, and people I wasn't so fond of, people that reported to me, and people I reported to, recent coworkers, and coworkers of 20 years ago.
And while it is very nice to get constantly reacquainted with all those lovely folks, I inevitably wake up feeling very depressed. I don't know what to make of it, a full 2 years after I left the company, but there must be some kind of a message in there. If it was just the fact that 27 years left me a bit institutionalized, you would think that it would get better over time, not worse. And while I know that there are a few people I miss, for the most part I don't think I miss actually working at all. Or rather say perhaps that I value my current freedom way more than I value the security of regular employment.
Lots of things come to mind however, and maybe on a subconscious level I know what it is, but don't want to face it. Have I wasted my life? Am I currently wasting my days? Do I need the constant feedback that a job gave me in order to feel valued? Am I bored?
Or what sometimes occurs to me is the possibility that it has nothing at all to do with work. The only real thing that gives me day time worry is my troubled child, and yet somehow I rarely dream about him. Strange don't you think?
Whatever it is, I know I've had enough of it. The problem is how does one control one's dreams? I'm tired of fighting a morning battle with my mood, over something I can't control. Wasted nights!!
And on wasted days. Despite my temporarily retired state I try to get something useful done every day, and on the occasional day I don't, I usually feel a bit restless. Despite the fact that it would probably surprise my Dad, I have known for many years that like most people, I need to be productive to be happy. And there is absolutely no shortage of stuff to do around here, what with shingles blowing off, boards falling off the barn, branches coming down everywhere, etc, etc.
So today was one of those days and I'm trying hard to be okay with it. After I dropped the kids at school, I hummed and hawed about riding inside or out, but in the interest of time decided on the basement. By this time it was after 10 am, and I got back off the bike at 1:45. Then I needed to get my little run in, and so it was 2:30 before I sat down to lunch. Then my reading break turned into a nap that lasted til 5 o'clock! A quick shower, made and ate supper, wrote this post, and it's now almost 7 pm!! Wasted days? It feels a bit like it.
But...lots of good things to focus on. My workout went quite well again. I rode for 3 1/2 hours and then had a very comfortable 5 km run. This part is very encouraging, because that of course is the essence of Ironman. Can one ride their bike for a very long time, and still find a running rhythm afterwards? I can also confirm that my fat loss endeavours continue to be successful. Although I sometimes go over my 2500 calories, I'm pretty sure it's okay. After all, I'm still hungry all the time. When I wake up during the night I am always disappointed if it's not breakfast time yet! And I can feel the difference, never mind what the scale says. I find that rewarding as well, because it is very, very, hard. But....I'm determined! I wonder what my wife would let me buy if I got down to 155??
So that's it for today. I wish I could tell you that I am resolved not to dream tonite, but since that is probably not in the realm of possibly, I promise at least not to waste the day tomorrow.
computrainer 3.5 hours, 5K run
"Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have."---Dale Carnegie
"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."---Marcus Aurelius
Love
Peter
And while it is very nice to get constantly reacquainted with all those lovely folks, I inevitably wake up feeling very depressed. I don't know what to make of it, a full 2 years after I left the company, but there must be some kind of a message in there. If it was just the fact that 27 years left me a bit institutionalized, you would think that it would get better over time, not worse. And while I know that there are a few people I miss, for the most part I don't think I miss actually working at all. Or rather say perhaps that I value my current freedom way more than I value the security of regular employment.
Lots of things come to mind however, and maybe on a subconscious level I know what it is, but don't want to face it. Have I wasted my life? Am I currently wasting my days? Do I need the constant feedback that a job gave me in order to feel valued? Am I bored?
Or what sometimes occurs to me is the possibility that it has nothing at all to do with work. The only real thing that gives me day time worry is my troubled child, and yet somehow I rarely dream about him. Strange don't you think?
Whatever it is, I know I've had enough of it. The problem is how does one control one's dreams? I'm tired of fighting a morning battle with my mood, over something I can't control. Wasted nights!!
And on wasted days. Despite my temporarily retired state I try to get something useful done every day, and on the occasional day I don't, I usually feel a bit restless. Despite the fact that it would probably surprise my Dad, I have known for many years that like most people, I need to be productive to be happy. And there is absolutely no shortage of stuff to do around here, what with shingles blowing off, boards falling off the barn, branches coming down everywhere, etc, etc.
So today was one of those days and I'm trying hard to be okay with it. After I dropped the kids at school, I hummed and hawed about riding inside or out, but in the interest of time decided on the basement. By this time it was after 10 am, and I got back off the bike at 1:45. Then I needed to get my little run in, and so it was 2:30 before I sat down to lunch. Then my reading break turned into a nap that lasted til 5 o'clock! A quick shower, made and ate supper, wrote this post, and it's now almost 7 pm!! Wasted days? It feels a bit like it.
But...lots of good things to focus on. My workout went quite well again. I rode for 3 1/2 hours and then had a very comfortable 5 km run. This part is very encouraging, because that of course is the essence of Ironman. Can one ride their bike for a very long time, and still find a running rhythm afterwards? I can also confirm that my fat loss endeavours continue to be successful. Although I sometimes go over my 2500 calories, I'm pretty sure it's okay. After all, I'm still hungry all the time. When I wake up during the night I am always disappointed if it's not breakfast time yet! And I can feel the difference, never mind what the scale says. I find that rewarding as well, because it is very, very, hard. But....I'm determined! I wonder what my wife would let me buy if I got down to 155??
So that's it for today. I wish I could tell you that I am resolved not to dream tonite, but since that is probably not in the realm of possibly, I promise at least not to waste the day tomorrow.
computrainer 3.5 hours, 5K run
"Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have."---Dale Carnegie
"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."---Marcus Aurelius
Love
Peter
It's funny to me how you regard a day in which you were riding a bike for over 3 and a half hours, and then also got in a small run, as "unproductive" or a "wasted day". If that was my day, I would have felt as if I had the most bloody productive day of my life!
ReplyDeleteI think you're in a different stage of your life in which "productive" days involve different kinds of productivity, but are nonetheless still very productive. We are told the message throughout our lives that productivity means economic productivity, which silences all kinds of productivity, including all of the work that is put into developing the love and health of oneself and others (this includes a lot of work that women do that is unpaid!). So to you, I say: you had a productive day!
Love you,
Michael
I agree totally with Mike's analysis about being productive. It seams to me that maybe your unrest may be more about value than production? Does your subconscious mind value that time in the basement? As for the vivid dreams, I suspect they have something to do with not being tired? I think you know I don't mean in a physical way either. Maybe you should try playing wheel of fortune or let your wife kick your ass in scrabble. Anything to exercise your head. I bet you already spend lots of mental energy focusing on your son during your conscious day, and maybe that would explain why he is not part of said dreams?
ReplyDeleteLove happy odd john
Can't add anything to those two!
ReplyDeleteLove, gail