It surprised me a lot to wake up with that old dreaded feeling this morning. Anyone who has ever struggled with depression will understand why I call it the "darkness". There's no other feeling that gives me the same kind of dread. Not fear, not grief, not anxiety, not anything, is quite the same. I think perhaps because it's so inexplicable in it's reason, and so so unpredictable in it's timing . I know my life is charmed, and I am furiously grateful for it, and yet here comes the darkness!!
I'm gonna try not to over analyze it since I'm also grateful for the months I've gone without encountering it. Quite frankly I can't even remember when the last time was. I guess I would just like to understand to the point that if there is anything I can do to avoid it, I wish to do so. For now I'm just gonna chalk it up to reduced training, combined with the stress of losing our friend Sally, and everything associated with that. But I gotta tell you...it scares me! I won't go back there no matter what!!
Okay...enough of that before I get shit from odd John!
It's now just after 5 pm the day before departure, and although I had a busy day, I think I'm ready to go. I had some funeral home stuff to finish up quickly, including signing for Sally's ashes. That got me thinking about what I would like done with mine when the time comes, and the only thing I know for certain is that I don't want them sitting around on someones mantle. If I knew for certain they were good fertilizer I would request a garden or a farmers field, but I don't really care a lot. As long as they return to the earth some way.
I also thought I better get in the pool for a few minutes since it's been 10 whole days since I even dipped my toes in the water. Sure enough, I felt a bit rusty, but also much to my delight I was a wee bit faster. Clearly it wasn't due to any improvement in my horrible technique, so I can only attribute it to reduced fatigue. That's a good thing because that's what's supposed to happen. I now have renewed hopes of getting out on my bike by 1 hour, 30 minutes, a goal I had pretty well given up on. Time will tell however, as anything can happen in the swim.
So bright and early we head out in the morning, for our two day trip. We found a really cool looking RV park on the other side of Kingston, so that's our destination for tomorrow. That will leave us with the shorter half on wednesday, which I like anyway the closer we get to race day.
And that's it for today. Wish me a peaceful nights sleep, and I will do the same for you. Talk to you tomorrow from the KOA.
swim, 1000 metres
...and I love every one of these quotes....choose your favourite
"Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself."---Desiderius Erasmus
"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people."---Carl Jung
I'm gonna try not to over analyze it since I'm also grateful for the months I've gone without encountering it. Quite frankly I can't even remember when the last time was. I guess I would just like to understand to the point that if there is anything I can do to avoid it, I wish to do so. For now I'm just gonna chalk it up to reduced training, combined with the stress of losing our friend Sally, and everything associated with that. But I gotta tell you...it scares me! I won't go back there no matter what!!
Okay...enough of that before I get shit from odd John!
It's now just after 5 pm the day before departure, and although I had a busy day, I think I'm ready to go. I had some funeral home stuff to finish up quickly, including signing for Sally's ashes. That got me thinking about what I would like done with mine when the time comes, and the only thing I know for certain is that I don't want them sitting around on someones mantle. If I knew for certain they were good fertilizer I would request a garden or a farmers field, but I don't really care a lot. As long as they return to the earth some way.
I also thought I better get in the pool for a few minutes since it's been 10 whole days since I even dipped my toes in the water. Sure enough, I felt a bit rusty, but also much to my delight I was a wee bit faster. Clearly it wasn't due to any improvement in my horrible technique, so I can only attribute it to reduced fatigue. That's a good thing because that's what's supposed to happen. I now have renewed hopes of getting out on my bike by 1 hour, 30 minutes, a goal I had pretty well given up on. Time will tell however, as anything can happen in the swim.
So bright and early we head out in the morning, for our two day trip. We found a really cool looking RV park on the other side of Kingston, so that's our destination for tomorrow. That will leave us with the shorter half on wednesday, which I like anyway the closer we get to race day.
And that's it for today. Wish me a peaceful nights sleep, and I will do the same for you. Talk to you tomorrow from the KOA.
swim, 1000 metres
...and I love every one of these quotes....choose your favourite
"Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself."---Desiderius Erasmus
"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."---Og Mandino
"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."---Carl Jung again
Love
Peter
Your travelling companions will help banish the darkness. And as one who has been there too, I know how paralyzing it can become, especially if you get too caught up in the analysis process. Leave that to the pros and seek the light in your life. Some large part of that light is with you in your RV. Be not afraid.
ReplyDeleteLove, gail